Earth
by VampyreWraith
Summary: Atlantis is on Earth and certain members of the expedition are contemplating their unrequieted ? lust for John Sheppard. Takes place after EATG. Parody. Some mild slash content Chapter 2 onwards, mostly implied. Obviously the characters aren't mine.
1. Chapter 1: Teyla

**None of the Characters belong to me, I'm just messing with them.**

**WARNINGS: This is my first attempt at fanfiction and I'm not a professional writer. Mild slash chapter 2 onwards. I haven't used any profanity that hasn't been heard on network TV. There aren't any explicit descriptions of sex/sexual acts so far and I don't think there will be. It's rated M just in case and for suggestive content. Also, if you are the type of person who does not like to see their favorite character maligned in any way you probably shouldn't read this. It's a parody, none of the characters are actually "in character". It's meant to be funny but I can understand if not everyone sees it that way. :)**

**EARTH **

**Chapter 1: Teyla**

Atlantis had been on Earth for three days now, and Teyla Emmagen was getting very, very bored. Her live-in nanny and sexual slave, Kannan, was off playing nurse to their child, and the love of her life was off in a city called Washington D.C.. The ancestors only knew what the DC stood for. John may have mentioned it when Ronan asked, but she was so lost in his beautiful hazel eyes, that she barely heard anything past that he was leaving. That was two days ago. Two days without looking at his beautiful face, two days without hearing his melodic voice. Two horrible boring days outside of his presence. It was almost unbearable. The only thing that kept her sane was staring at the hundreds of pictures of John she'd gathered from various sources over the last five years. If Rodney ever found out that she'd stolen his photo album filled with still images of John captured from the various hidden cameras he'd meticulously hidden in her beloved's quarters and wash room, he'd be quite upset with her. But perhaps he would understand. He knew better than anyone else what it was like to lust after John Sheppard. Much like her relationship with Kannan, his relationship with Dr .Jennifer Keller was only a way to satisfy basic human needs. She wondered if he pictured John's face on Jennifer's body while they were engaged in sexual acts. She certainly did with Kannan. Sometimes Kannan would comment on how wild and sensual she was in bed, and how she really must love him if she could be so passionate with him. Little did he know that every time they were together, it was John's face she pictured as she rode him, John's body she saw writhing beneath her. She was getting aroused just thinking about it. She needed to get to her quarters so that she could once again gaze upon the pictures of her beloved, and relieve the heat building between her thighs. She'd recently stolen something called a vibrator from Dr Biro. It did wonders on such occasions when her desire for John was unbearable and Kannan was unavailable.

As she walked the halls of Atlantis on the way to her quarters, she once again pondered upon the ill fated series of events that left her playing mother to the child of a man she was only using as a means of sexual gratification; and not within the arms of her beloved. She remembered her excitement when she learned that that frigid shrew of a woman John had taken to bedding, Dr. Elizabeth Weir, had been abandoned to the replicators. She had hoped that once her arch-rival for her beloved John's affection was gone, the love of her life would come to her; seeking comfort in her bed. But it was not to be, that vile shrew, had sunk her vicious claws deep within the heart of her beloved. He had been inconsolable in his grief, and had thought only of finding her. He had spurned her advances to entice him into erotic acts, and had left her broken-hearted and in desperate need of sexual release. She had once again returned to that weak, simpleminded fool, Kannan, and in her haste to achieve sexual gratification, had failed to take the proper precautions to prevent the conception of a child. She had been beginning to tire of turning to the fool, when by a stroke of good fortune, she had discovered that all her people had gone missing. She had felt that surely then John would be hers. He would see how distraught she had pretended to be over her missing people, and he would surely come to her bed to console her; and then she could have claimed that the unfortunate child she had recently found she had been carrying was his. But again, it was not to be. He had merely gazed upon her with pity in his beautiful eyes, and had promised that he would do everything to find her people. His pity had seemed to turn to confusion warring with disgust when she had once again tried to seduce him with her feminine charms. He had told her that she should not have been thinking about him in that way while the father of her unborn child was missing, but had excused her behavior as a sign of grief. Once again, she had felt her heart break; with only pictures and her fingers to console her. It was then that she had turned to Ronan, a man she looked upon as a twin brother. But her desperation had been such that it no longer mattered. Ronan had also rebuffed her, but had confided to her that he too had an unrequited burning desire for John's touch; but had not yet been so desperate as to sleep with a woman he considered a sister. As if the overgrown oaf could ever have a chance with her beloved. Alone once again, she had only felt her ill fortune brighten when that despicable half-breed, Michael, had abducted her. For surely now her beloved would have realized how much she had meant to him, fly to her rescue, and profess his undying love for her. And fly to her rescue he did; and her hopes had sailed high, with the thoughts of erotic consummation in her mind. But alas, it was again not to be. Fore as they had made their way off that damnable ship they had run into that weak-willed fool, Kannan. She had been tempted to tell John to shoot him, but instead had pretended to be to be relieved to discover that that inbred idiot and survived, She had felt he might once again prove a useful sexual diversion and not to mention excellent nanny for their newborn child; thereby allowing her to continue her quest to try to seduce her beloved John into enjoying the various pleasures of the flesh with her.

And Kannan had proved useful to her in the past year; but she was again beginning to tire of him, and had recently begun to re-double her pursuit in the conquest of John. Why oh why, did he have to be in that Washington D.C for so long. At least now that he was away though, she would once again have the opportunity to sneak into his quarters and abscond several more pairs of soiled undergarments. She had meant to enter John's quarters earlier but Ronon had arrived before her and asked for some time alone with her beloved's things. The scent of John's unwashed undergarments drove her wild, and made her feel oh so much closer to him. But that would have to wait for later. She had reached her quarters at last, and now she could finally, begin her sexual self-enjoyment using Dr. Biro's stolen vibrator, and pictures of her beloved. At least she had that.


	2. Chapter 2: Rodney

**Chapter 2 : Rodney**

Rodney McKay stood looking at his reflection in the mirror, and spoke words he wanted everyone to believe were true, but knew in every fiber of his being weren't. "I am not gay. I love women. I love Joh… I love Jennifer She… I love Jennifer Keller." Ever since that wild, blissful night spent fornicating in a Jumper and sharing their deepest desires, Rodney McKay had known that there would be no other human in the universe that could touch his heart and his groin the way John Sheppard had. That had been almost five years ago and, but he still remembered the feel of John's hands as they had roamed over his body, prodding sensitive areas; the feel and taste of those lips on his. He had been seriously concussed and barely conscious at the time so it may have been a fevered hallucination in which he had been able to act out his wildest sexual fantasies with John Sheppard. But he chose to believe otherwise; he chose to believe those intimate moments were real. He felt that deep in his heart Sheppard longed to be with him again too. Why else would John, a grown man, have chosen to race radio control cars with him down in a deserted corridor of the city late at night. It had obviously been an excuse to steal away with him. Playing with the cars had been a way to break the ice, almost like a sort of foreplay. He had known that they would have once again professed their undying devotion to each other and made hot, passionate, sticky love right there in that lonely corridor. He was absolutely positive that that was exactly what would have happened if that sneaky bitch Teyla hadn't come sauntering down the hallway, bouncing her baby in a blanket. He had always known that the whore wanted to sink her hooks into his Sheppard. He had suspected for a long time that she'd been the one that had stolen his precious photo album filled with pictures of John in various states of undress. Other than the hours upon hours of video footage he had of Sheppard during private moments in his quarters, and bathroom; the photo album was his most prized possession. She had taken that from him and one day he, Dr. Rodney McKay, would have his revenge. For now though, he would content himself with his videos and laugh at the thought of Teyla having allowed herself to get pregnant by that wet blanket, Kannan.

As Rodney continued to look at himself the mirror, he started to imagine John pressing his warm body up against his back, and wrapping his strong arms around him, holding him close while sensuous lips brushed against his neck. He could almost feel the warm breath in his ear as his Sheppard whispered sweet nothings to him; he could almost smell the lingering scent of spearmint gum intermingled the potent odor of Aqua Velva. Thinking about his Sheppard being so close to him was almost enough to make him ejaculate; but he held back. Oh, how he wished Sheppard hadn't gone to Washington to brief the IOA. He felt so lonely without John's company. He had been deprived for two days of viewing Sheppard in all his glory through the live video feed from all the surveillance cameras he'd installed in John's quarters. He had been watching his monitors earlier though, when Ronon had snuck in and rifled through Sheppard's clothing, sniffing each piece before finally choosing a black cotton t-shirt as his prize. Ronon had then proceeded to masturbate on Sheppard's bed, ejaculating all over the t-shirt. He'd then left, taking the shirt with him.

It was almost 5 o'clock Pacific Standard Time. Jennifer would arrive in his quarters soon. He had to keep trying to perfect the stupid smile that would convince her that he actually found her sexually attractive. He needed her to stay with him in order to make Sheppard jealous. Hopefully, one day soon, John would become so livid at the thought of him with a woman that he would finally crack and once again profess is love to him. That would be the day that Dr. Rodney McKay would finally be whole again. He sincerely hoped that it would happen within the next couple of weeks. He was getting tired of keeping up the pretense of being a straight man in love with Dr Jennifer Keller. The girl could be annoying when she opened her mouth to talk. She did have her good points though; ever since they had started fornicating his wrists weren't as cramped, and the blisters that had formed on his hands had begun to heal. He had Jennifer to thank for that, so he supposed he was grateful for her presence in his life. He wondered if he could convince her to cut her hair and dye it black, it would make it easier for him to imagine that she was Sheppard until he could have the real thing. He knew that all his dreams regarding John would be fulfilled soon; but until then at least he had Jennifer.


End file.
